24 Belvedere Estate

The NEWS. It’s Breaking Me Up.

Posted on | August 1, 2009 | 31 Comments

Late night, an evidently deranged gent launches a tirade at the unsuspecting viewer:

“Wo nikali to thi panghat se pani bharne, par use kya pata tha uske saath ek aisi ghinoni durghatna ghatne wali hai jiske bare main sun kar aapke hosh ud jayenge.”

Loosely translated that would mean -

“She had stepped out to fetch water from the well, but little did she know that she was going to become the victim of an unmentionable act that will, the moment you hear about it, cause you to lose all command of your wits, senses and sanity.”

Sample this one:

“Sheher se char kos door, chaar bandookdhari janwaro ne behrahmi se apni kismat ko koste huye Raghuveer ke jism ko char-char goliyon se chalni kar diya.”

Loosely translated this one would mean -

“Two miles from the city, four armed animals inhumanly riddled the body of Raghuveer, who was cursing his luck, with four bullets per head.”

Yes, the translation is corny.

But the original is in a league of its own.

Don’t blame me.

I come from the time when DD newsreaders informed us of India’s Olympic Gold using the same expression with which they broke the news of any national disaster.

Newsreaders, in that era, were impassive, sober, bordering on the expressionless.

I wasn’t prepared for all this.

Tell me. Why must a man behave like a dog denied in heat on national television?

That too when delivering the most nonsensical piece of journalism?

“Bhooton ke dere ne udayi Ghaziabad ke aalha afsaron ki raaton ki neend.”

“Gang of ghosts snatches the night’s sleep from top officers of Ghaziabad.”

Or something like this -

“Malini ki mehendi abhi sookhi bhi nahin thi ki college ke aashik ne karva diya uska maut se sangam.”

“The henna had barely dried on Malini’s hands when an admirer from her college caused her to mate with death.”

It actually sounds a lot more ludicrous when the tirade-launcher tries so hard to deliver this unmitigated nonsense in a style that the channel obviously imagines to be a stopper.

“Jamnagar main zehrile kaale jamun ne dala Jamunabai ki jawan beti ki zindagi ko jokhim main.

“In Jamnagar, poisonous sweetmeat puts Jamnabai’s young daughter’s life in peril.”

No sir. This ‘news’ does not chill my bones.

It makes me laugh. Uncontrollably.

And more often than not it makes me want to run far far away to a place where such shit will never ever reach.

Actually, I do NOT blame the gent in heat.

How CAN one blame him?

If someone asked me to say similar things on national television, I may end up doing a similar act myself.

Don’t buy it?

OK. Here’s a test.

Repeat this, with a straight face, to an audience:

“Bakriyon se baaten karta tha Bhooshanlal ka behra beta!!!”

“Bhooshanlal’s deaf son conducted conversations with goats!!!”

99.99% probability -  you will lose it.

And start behaving like that gent on TV.

See?

It’s that NEWS.

It can drive ANYONE crazy.

I honestly used to think the act was scripted.

I don’t anymore.

Night after night of delivering such madness to a national audience is bound to impact the most hardened soul.

Our gent is just an ordinary newscaster doing his job.

—————————————————————-

Disclaimer: The lines used here have not ‘actually’ been said on the NEWS – but they share a remarkably similar silliness quotient with some of the real stuff.

Category: Humor, Journalism, News, Television
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Comments

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  • http://www.cockybox.com cockybox

    Because the news is so ludicrous, I keep away from all news on television. Rather happy with news from authentic portals of newspapers that don't make a mockery of journalism. News as you mentioned on television is a complete ridicule of the profession as well as professionals in the business. Good you brought it up. Have been contemplating a version of my own.Cheers. Nice post. :)

  • http://www.cockybox.com Harprabhjot Paul Singh

    Because the news is so ludicrous, I keep away from all news on television. Rather happy with news from authentic portals of newspapers that don't make a mockery of journalism.

    News as you mentioned on television is a complete ridicule of the profession as well as professionals in the business.

    Good you brought it up. Have been contemplating a version of my own.

    Cheers. Nice post. :)

  • Kapil Pandey

    the concern is actually true. To add..if you want to watch a C grade hindi suspense/horror thriller full of sex, sleaze.. you better watch a hindi news channel.. its more of a paisa wasool. The day,infact is not far, when in a small town of UP there will be news telecast in place of the morning shows in the shady theatre nearby..

  • Kapil Pandey

    the concern is actually true. To add..if you want to watch a C grade hindi suspense/horror thriller full of sex, sleaze.. you better watch a hindi news channel.. its more of a paisa wasool. The day,infact is not far, when in a small town of UP there will be news telecast in place of the morning shows in the shady theatre nearby..

  • Kapil Pandey

    the concern is actually true. To add..if you want to watch a C grade hindi suspense/horror thriller full of sex, sleaze.. you better watch a hindi news channel.. its more of a paisa wasool. The day,infact is not far, when in a small town of UP there will be news telecast in place of the morning shows in the shady theatre nearby..

  • Kapil Pandey

    the concern is actually true. To add..if you want to watch a C grade hindi suspense/horror thriller full of sex, sleaze.. you better watch a hindi news channel.. its more of a paisa wasool. The day,infact is not far, when in a small town of UP there will be news telecast in place of the morning shows in the shady theatre nearby..

  • http://twitter.com/naked2nirvana Naked2Nirvana

    Bravo, only you Rahul can have an insight, that can actually make the rest of us read and say, shit that's so true…btw, having a nice friendship day? :)

  • http://twitter.com/naked2nirvana Naked2Nirvana

    Bravo, only you Rahul can have an insight, that can actually make the rest of us read and say, shit that's so true…btw, having a nice friendship day? :)

  • http://rahuljauhari.com/ Rahul Jauhari

    @HPS looking forward to your version @Kapil I can see that day too :-) @Pushkaraj – Welcome to 24 Belvedere Estate and thanks for the comment mate :-) @N2N – you flatter me buddy :-)

  • http://rahuljauhari.com/ Rahul Jauhari

    @HPS looking forward to your version
    @Kapil I can see that day too :-)
    @Pushkaraj – Welcome to 24 Belvedere Estate and thanks for the comment mate :-)
    @N2N – you flatter me buddy :-)

  • ajay_ks

    Absolutely true and now a days news in indian channels is over the top. I was in Mumbai sometime back and watched those news channels and it seems they are not presenting the news but showing a drama or entertainment program in news channel. Anyway I don't trust any news channel and there analysis as they all are biased and promotes sensationalism be it English or Hindi.

  • ajay_ks

    Absolutely true and now a days news in indian channels is over the top. I was in Mumbai sometime back and watched those news channels and it seems they are not presenting the news but showing a drama or entertainment program in news channel.
    Anyway I don't trust any news channel and there analysis as they all are biased and promotes sensationalism be it English or Hindi.

  • http://rahuljauhari.com/ Rahul Jauhari

    Hey ajay, drama is the apt word.Thanks for dropping by :-)

  • http://rahuljauhari.com/ Rahul Jauhari

    Hey ajay, drama is the apt word.
    Thanks for dropping by :-)

  • merajhasan

    in SL, thankfully am away from the hindi news channel which can be of extreme amount of pain even while surfing the channels you hit on one of them for a secondlong ago when BBC started to air NEWS on TV, the newsreader was kept hidden and only his voice was heard on the blank screen which would show appropriate pictures and maps as and when needed. lest, the expressions (and emotions) of the newsreader come in the way of unbiased journalism.have you watched the classic satire on TV rating points in the form of a movie called, 'Network'. must.

  • merajhasan

    in SL, thankfully am away from the hindi news channel which can be of extreme amount of pain even while surfing the channels you hit on one of them for a second

    long ago when BBC started to air NEWS on TV, the newsreader was kept hidden and only his voice was heard on the blank screen which would show appropriate pictures and maps as and when needed. lest, the expressions (and emotions) of the newsreader come in the way of unbiased journalism.

    have you watched the classic satire on TV rating points in the form of a movie called, 'Network'. must.

  • http://rahuljauhari.com/ Rahul Jauhari

    Lucky you are in SL Mr. Hasan :-) Will surely look up 'Network'

  • http://rahuljauhari.com/ Rahul Jauhari

    Lucky you are in SL Mr. Hasan :-)
    Will surely look up 'Network'

  • Sheena Day

    Ha ha :-) Tabloid journalism at its best. To think of all the fun I am missing!

  • Sheena Day

    Ha ha :-) Tabloid journalism at its best. To think of all the fun I am missing!

  • santhoshp2004

    Though I don’t watch much of Hindi channels, I get your point. The so called national channels are no exception; it’s just that their language is a bit more polished. If some bad luck hit a family, our senseless TV guys are there the next moment, trying to interview the unfortunate person’s uncles, aunts, cousins(‘Sir, how do you feel now’). No wonder why vultures are becoming an endangered species, they got serious competition.

  • santhoshp2004

    Though I don’t watch much of Hindi channels, I get your point. The so called national channels are no exception; it’s just that their language is a bit more polished. If some bad luck hit a family, our senseless TV guys are there the next moment, trying to interview the unfortunate person’s uncles, aunts, cousins(‘Sir, how do you feel now’). No wonder why vultures are becoming an endangered species, they got serious competition.

  • http://rahuljauhari.com/ Rahul Jauhari

    @sheena – no fun if it's bombarded daily :-) @santosh – agree and thanks for stopping by :-)

  • http://rahuljauhari.com/ Rahul Jauhari

    @sheena – no fun if it's bombarded daily :-)
    @santosh – agree and thanks for stopping by :-)

  • http://blinkjet.wordpress.com/ Devina

    Rahul, u missed out the incessant panting by the 'reporters' on the scene who give nuisance a whole new meaning: “Ji jaisa ki aap dekh sakte hain, afra-tafri ka mahaul hai, bas samjhiye, ek tarah se jaise tabahi machi hui hai, kisi ko kuch hosh nahi hai ki aakhir ye ho kya raha hai, mantriji ne jaayza liya hai, lekin abhi kuch kaha nahi jaa sakta, aur aap mere peeche dekh sakte hain kis bedardi se ye hamla kiya gaya hai….aayiye baat karte hain inse…ji aapko kaisa lag raha hai?”

    Feeling brilliant, thanks. ;P

  • http://rahuljauhari.com/ Rahul Jauhari

    lol at that Devina, yup I missed that part :-)

  • richasingh

    hey i lurve ur style man a very very very nice piece seriously

  • http://rahuljauhari.com/ Rahul Jauhari

    Thanks Richa, and welcome to 24 Belvedere Estate :-)

  • richasingh

    hey i lurve ur style man a very very very nice piece seriously

  • http://rahuljauhari.com/ Rahul Jauhari

    Thanks Richa, and welcome to 24 Belvedere Estate :-)