Dear Brother Internet

Posted on | September 5, 2009 | View Comments

Dear Brother Internet,

I hope this mail finds you in the pink of health.

And does not find its way into your junk folder.

Is it true that’s why you never answered my previous mails?

But first things first.

This week, you turn 40.

Congratulations.

As Virginia Slims cigarettes said to young ladies around the same year you were born:

You’ve come a long way, baby.

Wikipedia says that is also the title of Fatboy Slim’s second studio album.

In which, in a song, DJ Freddy Fresh sings ‘Fatboy Slim is f#@%ing in heaven’ – a full 108 times.

But that is not the one I was referring to.

I genuinely meant that you have come a long way, baby.

Now to come to the point.

I am older than you are.

And being someone who genuinely cares for you, it is my duty to wish you well.

And ensure that the advice of our village elders reaches you.

~~

Brother, you are at a turning point in your life.

You must be careful.

We had read somewhere a few years back that you had gotten involved with many sites of the explicit sexual type.

Chacha Ramdev had, back then, recommended you be termed an outcast.

Later, when we protested, he suggested you turn to yoga.

I know, in younger days, we tend to lose our way.

I also know you are all grown up now.

But if you HAVE to deal with these sex type sites, then remember one thing.

Always wear a condom.

We are contracting flu from swines nowadays.

Who knows what a site might transmit?

~~

Brother, you are at a turning point in your life.

You must be wary.

Three years back Munshiji received an email at the cyber cafe.

Someone from Nigeria wrote to him saying his dead uncle had left him 50 million dollars.

And to receive the same he would have to wire 5000 dollars first.

Munshiji, after treating the entire village to jalebis, sent the money.

But never heard from that person again.

That is how we came to know of your involvement with those email-fraudsters.

Munshiji demanded that your face be blackened and you be stoned to death.

But after we bribed the Panch, you were let off on grounds of lack of evidence.

Yes, I know you are not like that.

But ALWAYS do a background check of people you befriend.

Better still, ask them for their pan card.

That way you will know if they are genuine or not.

~~

Brother, you are at a turning point in your life.

You must be smart.

Men, it has been written, become wayward at forty.

It is a delicate age.

You remember Bansi?

Well, he got started on this internet messenger chatting with some Savita bhabhi.

It started with being good friends.

He would send her virtual cards.

But very soon things went out of control.

Even when his wife of 14 years walked out on him, he would not stop those sex-type chats.

Till the day he discovered that Savita bhabhi was actually a horny old man.

Bansi called you unmentionable names that day.

But I know you.

You would never know that man.

Nevertheless, in case you get the chance, never have intimate conversations with women you cannot see face to face.

NEVER.

Now with section 377 being valid in our village, Bansi’s case hardly stands a chance.

To think, he also lost the only real woman he had.

~~

Brother, you are turning forty.

You must slow down.

Today, I read on google that you are giving birth to too many social networking sites.

Have you forgotten the virtues of family planning?

Do you know what your children are up to?

Do you even remember all their names?

Remember Bholu, the village panwallah?

His teenage daughter put her picture up on one such site.

Some crook stole her face and pasted it on a porn site.

Now the only man willing to marry her is that 60 year old retired station master.

And the villagers are baying for your blood.

Again.

I know children are children.

But too many are difficult to control.

Always deal with them with a firm hand.

And if your wife wants to have more, tell her what the dispensary nurse told us:

Pehla bachha abhi nahin. Doosra bachha kabhi nahin.

(First child, not now. Second child, not ever.)

~~

PS: Do check in the junk folder in case you missed my earlier mails.