“Wo nikali to thi panghat se pani bharne, par use kya pata tha uske saath ek aisi ghinoni durghatna ghatne wali hai jiske bare main sun kar aapke hosh ud jayenge.”

Loosely translated that would mean -

“She had stepped out to fetch water from the well, but little did she know that she was going to become the victim of an unmentionable act that will, the moment you hear about it, cause you to lose all command of your wits, senses and sanity.”

Sample this one:

“Sheher se char kos door, chaar bandookdhari janwaro ne behrahmi se apni kismat ko koste huye Raghuveer ke jism ko char-char goliyon se chalni kar diya.”

Loosely translated this one would mean -

“Two miles from the city, four armed animals inhumanly riddled the body of Raghuveer, who was cursing his luck, with four bullets per head.”

Yes, the translation is corny.

But the original is in a league of its own.

Don’t blame me.

I come from the time when DD newsreaders informed us of India’s Olympic Gold using the same expression with which they broke the news of any national disaster.

Newsreaders, in that era, were impassive, sober, bordering on the expressionless.

I wasn’t prepared for all this.

Tell me. Why must a man behave like a dog denied in heat on national television?

That too when delivering the most nonsensical piece of journalism?

“Bhooton ke dere ne udayi Ghaziabad ke aalha afsaron ki raaton ki neend.”

“Gang of ghosts snatches the night’s sleep from top officers of Ghaziabad.”

Or something like this -

“Malini ki mehendi abhi sookhi bhi nahin thi ki college ke aashik ne karva diya uska maut se sangam.”

“The henna had barely dried on Malini’s hands when an admirer from her college caused her to mate with death.”

It actually sounds a lot more ludicrous when the tirade-launcher tries so hard to deliver this unmitigated nonsense in a style that the channel obviously imagines to be a stopper.

“Jamnagar main zehrile kaale jamun ne dala Jamunabai ki jawan beti ki zindagi ko jokhim main.

“In Jamnagar, poisonous sweetmeat puts Jamnabai’s young daughter’s life in peril.”

No sir. This ‘news’ does not chill my bones.

It makes me laugh. Uncontrollably.

And more often than not it makes me want to run far far away to a place where such shit will never ever reach.

Actually, I do NOT blame the gent in heat.

How CAN one blame him?

If someone asked me to say similar things on national television, I may end up doing a similar act myself.

Don’t buy it?

OK. Here’s a test.

Repeat this, with a straight face, to an audience:

“Bakriyon se baaten karta tha Bhooshanlal ka behra beta!!!”

“Bhooshanlal’s deaf son conducted conversations with goats!!!”

99.99% probability -  you will lose it.

And start behaving like that gent on TV.

See?

It’s that NEWS.

It can drive ANYONE crazy.

I honestly used to think the act was scripted.

I don’t anymore.

Night after night of delivering such madness to a national audience is bound to impact the most hardened soul.

Our gent is just an ordinary newscaster doing his job.

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Disclaimer: The lines used here have not ‘actually’ been said on the NEWS – but they share a remarkably similar silliness quotient with some of the real stuff.