SRK gets detained for 2 hours (66 mins according to US officials) at Newark International Airport.

All hell breaks loose.

Seems his name flashed on the computer and he was grilled.

SRK is peeved.

Indians are irate – globally.

The blogworld, media, phone-lines, twitter have all helped the news travel back and forth and are continuing to do so as we speak.

Hold on. For a moment.

The issue is NOT that a film-star was detained for 66 WHOLE minutes because his name is Khan.

The issue is NOT that this comes right after our ex-president was frisked by a US airline in our own country prior to boarding a Newark bound flight.

I don’t think we are angry that the Americans had the gall to frisk/search men of fame or stature from our nation.

We are angry that WE don’t have the gall to do the same.

We come from a nation where people love to please anyone who seems to be ‘connected.”

We fawn over celebs of ANY kind.

Our stars get escorted past the security check.

We have seen celebs get picked up in separate cars once they get off an aircraft.

We have seen VIPs hold flights because they themselves are running late.

I mean – we love all this.

It’s ingrained in us.

APJ Abdul Kalam – one of the most respected Indians alive, cheerfully underwent a frisking.

Maybe that’s the way he is – humble.

Or maybe he strongly believed there is nothing wrong in being frisked prior to boarding a flight – especially if the person before him was frisked, and the person after him will be.

What is SRK peeved about?

That he, Shah Rukh Khan, was not recognized – and detained for 66 mins without being allowed to make a call?

Or that he, a Khan, was detained indiscriminately?

If it is the former, it is not worth a rethink.
From America’s security perspective, being Shah Rukh Khan does not make you any less or more privileged than any other visitor from another country – especially at the immigration desk.

If it is the latter, it is sad.
The computers in Newark could do with a little reprogramming – so they don’t simply stop anyone with a particular surname – I am sure a more detailed and deeper profiling of suspects can be done.

Imagine all the Mehtas in the world being stopped at the security check because Harshad Mehta scammed and ran.

Remember the law? It professes equality.

Every individual, be it the richest person in the world or Ram Singh Ojha from the dingiest part of India, has to stand up when the Judge walks into the court.

Why should it be any different when it comes to security?

The Mumbai attacks taught us (or have they?) that we MUST cheerfully volunteer to be checked when walking into a mall or a theatre or any other public place.

It is for our own good.

If we feel insulted, it is because of our own bloated egos.

I have heard, and I am sure so have you, of friends and colleagues going through an inordinately long security check because of the country we come from.

Nobody argued about that.

It comes with being an ordinary Indian citizen travelling abroad.

Well, SRK is an ordinary Indian citizen travelling abroad.

He pays taxes at the same rate as many others do and he too needs a license to drive.

So he will be treated the same way you or I will be.

Sure we may fancy treating celebs, big-shots and politicians with kid gloves even when it comes to national security.

Why are we expecting the US to tow the same line?

Before cursing the US, shouldn’t we do a little soul searching here at home?

Why the hell can’t we search/frisk/strip search anyone coming into our OWN country if required?

You know why we are searched like this when we go abroad?

Possibly because no one trust us with our own security – that’s why.

We are world famous for allowing our own rich, powerful & famous to bend rules at the drop of a hat.

And that goes a long way in building our own reputation as a strict nation the world over.

Shah Rukh, being who he is, could call Rajeev Shukla and get help.

Most Indians, in his place, wouldn’t know who to call beyond their dads or spouses.

So quit all this shouting.

Till such time we can’t enforce security measures on our own ‘privileged class’ and till such time we can’t enforce them on ‘privileged visitors’, we should quit wasting our breath over Shah Rukh – never mind how much we love him.

All this brouhaha over his 66 min/2hour long detention is such a waste of precious airtime, amongst other things.

That kind of time, if you ask me, is better spent telling people how to handle the Swine Flu.

Late night, an evidently deranged gent launches a tirade at the unsuspecting viewer:

“Wo nikali to thi panghat se pani bharne, par use kya pata tha uske saath ek aisi ghinoni durghatna ghatne wali hai jiske bare main sun kar aapke hosh ud jayenge.”

Loosely translated that would mean -

“She had stepped out to fetch water from the well, but little did she know that she was going to become the victim of an unmentionable act that will, the moment you hear about it, cause you to lose all command of your wits, senses and sanity.”

Sample this one:

“Sheher se char kos door, chaar bandookdhari janwaro ne behrahmi se apni kismat ko koste huye Raghuveer ke jism ko char-char goliyon se chalni kar diya.”

Loosely translated this one would mean -

“Two miles from the city, four armed animals inhumanly riddled the body of Raghuveer, who was cursing his luck, with four bullets per head.”

Yes, the translation is corny.

But the original is in a league of its own.

Don’t blame me.

I come from the time when DD newsreaders informed us of India’s Olympic Gold using the same expression with which they broke the news of any national disaster.

Newsreaders, in that era, were impassive, sober, bordering on the expressionless.

I wasn’t prepared for all this.

Tell me. Why must a man behave like a dog denied in heat on national television?

That too when delivering the most nonsensical piece of journalism?

“Bhooton ke dere ne udayi Ghaziabad ke aalha afsaron ki raaton ki neend.”

“Gang of ghosts snatches the night’s sleep from top officers of Ghaziabad.”

Or something like this -

“Malini ki mehendi abhi sookhi bhi nahin thi ki college ke aashik ne karva diya uska maut se sangam.”

“The henna had barely dried on Malini’s hands when an admirer from her college caused her to mate with death.”

It actually sounds a lot more ludicrous when the tirade-launcher tries so hard to deliver this unmitigated nonsense in a style that the channel obviously imagines to be a stopper.

“Jamnagar main zehrile kaale jamun ne dala Jamunabai ki jawan beti ki zindagi ko jokhim main.

“In Jamnagar, poisonous sweetmeat puts Jamnabai’s young daughter’s life in peril.”

No sir. This ‘news’ does not chill my bones.

It makes me laugh. Uncontrollably.

And more often than not it makes me want to run far far away to a place where such shit will never ever reach.

Actually, I do NOT blame the gent in heat.

How CAN one blame him?

If someone asked me to say similar things on national television, I may end up doing a similar act myself.

Don’t buy it?

OK. Here’s a test.

Repeat this, with a straight face, to an audience:

“Bakriyon se baaten karta tha Bhooshanlal ka behra beta!!!”

“Bhooshanlal’s deaf son conducted conversations with goats!!!”

99.99% probability -  you will lose it.

And start behaving like that gent on TV.

See?

It’s that NEWS.

It can drive ANYONE crazy.

I honestly used to think the act was scripted.

I don’t anymore.

Night after night of delivering such madness to a national audience is bound to impact the most hardened soul.

Our gent is just an ordinary newscaster doing his job.

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Disclaimer: The lines used here have not ‘actually’ been said on the NEWS – but they share a remarkably similar silliness quotient with some of the real stuff.