No greetings to you.

Apologies, but I do not know how to greet someone as enlightened as you.

You see, late Sunday night, we were all watching TV at the village square.

Talli, in his usual high spirits, was playing with the channels.

It was he who stopped at this amazing vision:

A man and his wife are seated in their house.

A lady relative is visiting them.

“How is everything?” she asks them.

“Great. Business, life, home, everything is great,” he replies.

The wife beams.

The visiting lady looks at the man jealously.

Evil rays emerge from her eyes and head towards the man.

But just before they reach him, a mystical shield surrounds his head, deflecting the evil red rays.

We watched with bated breath.

Magic?

No.

It was the Nazar Suraksha Kawach.

The Evil Eye Bead that can protect one from evil looks.

Available for only Rs. 2375.

What a revelation. What a discovery.

This magical Nazar Suraksha Kawach, we were told, had saved many marriages from breaking and many businesses from collapsing.

Do you know how irritating it is to the nose when chachi burns all those red chillies every time she tries to save Bansi’s son from the evil eye?

Not anymore.

After all, your wonderful Evil Eye Bead is also smoke-free!

Brother, I am the converted preaching to you now.

You have opened our eyes.

Now we know why Jaggu (aka Jags) got polio when he was three.

Now we know why there was no rain last year.

Now we know why brother Shiny Ahuja was caught.

Now we know why uncle Bhushan can’t perform in spite of 4 marriages.

It was definitely because of an evil eye.

But thanks to you, nothing like that will ever happen again.

Brother, you know things no one else does.

You are a visionary, a saint, a prophet.

You possess exceptionally rare wisdom.

Do you know how we figured that out?

Well, we checked online.

Even the glorious wikipedia did not know about Nazar Surakhsha Kawach

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PS: Savitabai is ordering 20 pieces – one for each member of her village kotha. She says the evil eyes of the wives of her honorable customers are always threatening them.

A welcome respite from the overbearing specter of Swine Flu.

And young Ganapati has his annual task pretty clearly chalked out.

As the saying goes, nothing moves in Mumbai till this young elephant God’s blessings are taken.

He is the unofficial CEO of the city.

He is the Remover of All Obstacles.

Possibly the reason why, this year, even television channels are seeking his blessings in their hunt for greater TRPs.

Picture this.

The Star News anchor introduces us to Lord Ganapati, Lord Shiva and Parvati.

Ganapati is introduced as the God who is worshipped before any other God.

Shiva and Parvati indulgently look on.

The anchor goes on to talk about Saas, Bahu & Saazish.

Lord Shiva innocently asks – “What is Saas, Bahu & Saazish”?

(Isn’t the destroyer of all evil supposed to know it all?)

Nevertheless, the anchor explains.

We go on, as part of the program, to see small clips of programs like Sach Ka Saamana and Channel V’s eXhausted, among others.

The Gods look on with interest.

I honestly didn’t know they would find reality TV so cool.

Especially if you consider the fact that the almighty keeps an eye on the biggest reality show ever.

Yeah that’s us – you, me, neighbor, neighboring country, global warming, politics, cricket etc etc.

As the episode of Saas, Bahu & Saazish ends, the anchor seeks their blessings.

Ganapati, seated between Shiva and Parvati, holds the Star News branded mike in his hands.

The Gods bless the anchor and the show closes.

Sweet, no?

I guess there is a large audience that will smile adoringly at this.

And go on to add to the TRPs of the channel.

I am also waiting to see the day when the Gods will actually don the role of anchors.

And read the NEWS, possibly?

(This post was first published Here on Desicritics)

She thinks, agonizes, sweats.

So does he.

An audience of a zillion watches with bated breath.

Hold it.

What is she sweating for?

Trust is frail.

It can break at the slightest poke.

Especially in times of greater individual insecurity than ever before.

What was she agonizing over?

If she actually loved him, why was she worried?

Because the machine’s endorsement of her love was critical in the social context?

What was he agonizing over?

That a “lie” would brand him wrong, never mind what the truth was?

No, don’t expect any links to articles on the veracity of lie detector tests in this post.

I actually don’t care if the lady in question actually loved the man in question or not.

I have a question.

Do programs today operate independently?

Is the social impact they have not a part of the criteria of selection?

This is not a TRP argument.

That’s business.

As a business target, a channel’s job is to gain a greater audience, hence provide a bigger/richer target audience, and hence invite bigger advertising investment.

But a channel cannot ignore the fact that it has a social context too.

Sure, a condom brand’s future sales could lie in it promoting irrational and promiscuous sex.

But it doesn’t work that way.

I have a problem with Sach Ka Saamana.

It’s selfishly irresponsible.

Yes, every contestant is an adult, who probably signed a 40 page agreement before even appearing on the show.

But who are we fooling?

A contestant?

The poor bloke or lady doesn’t know what will hit him/her before it actually does.

Any mass media medium HAS to operate while being cognizant of the impact it will have.

You cannot transfer the responsibility on to the participant.

In any case, most participants who brave terribly intrusive questions actually declare that they desperately need the money.

Like the lady in question tonight.

Individuals are weak, foolish, susceptible and gullible.

Channels are not.

Tonight’s episode, where the young lady, even though she did it of her own free will, was rather saddening – it painted a rather sad picture of the channel and of us, the viewers, who gave the channel reason to telecast such stuff.

I, at a point, did NOT want to know of her personal life anymore.

I hated the sight of her agonizing over that single question.

And her man as well.

The machine can take a flying ****.

Why should we even hear a human subject another human to this crap?

PS:

On a rather unscientific count : enough has been said about love being the most misunderstood emotion of all times.

How do we expect a machine to understand, diagnose and rule a verdict on it?

“Wo nikali to thi panghat se pani bharne, par use kya pata tha uske saath ek aisi ghinoni durghatna ghatne wali hai jiske bare main sun kar aapke hosh ud jayenge.”

Loosely translated that would mean -

“She had stepped out to fetch water from the well, but little did she know that she was going to become the victim of an unmentionable act that will, the moment you hear about it, cause you to lose all command of your wits, senses and sanity.”

Sample this one:

“Sheher se char kos door, chaar bandookdhari janwaro ne behrahmi se apni kismat ko koste huye Raghuveer ke jism ko char-char goliyon se chalni kar diya.”

Loosely translated this one would mean -

“Two miles from the city, four armed animals inhumanly riddled the body of Raghuveer, who was cursing his luck, with four bullets per head.”

Yes, the translation is corny.

But the original is in a league of its own.

Don’t blame me.

I come from the time when DD newsreaders informed us of India’s Olympic Gold using the same expression with which they broke the news of any national disaster.

Newsreaders, in that era, were impassive, sober, bordering on the expressionless.

I wasn’t prepared for all this.

Tell me. Why must a man behave like a dog denied in heat on national television?

That too when delivering the most nonsensical piece of journalism?

“Bhooton ke dere ne udayi Ghaziabad ke aalha afsaron ki raaton ki neend.”

“Gang of ghosts snatches the night’s sleep from top officers of Ghaziabad.”

Or something like this -

“Malini ki mehendi abhi sookhi bhi nahin thi ki college ke aashik ne karva diya uska maut se sangam.”

“The henna had barely dried on Malini’s hands when an admirer from her college caused her to mate with death.”

It actually sounds a lot more ludicrous when the tirade-launcher tries so hard to deliver this unmitigated nonsense in a style that the channel obviously imagines to be a stopper.

“Jamnagar main zehrile kaale jamun ne dala Jamunabai ki jawan beti ki zindagi ko jokhim main.

“In Jamnagar, poisonous sweetmeat puts Jamnabai’s young daughter’s life in peril.”

No sir. This ‘news’ does not chill my bones.

It makes me laugh. Uncontrollably.

And more often than not it makes me want to run far far away to a place where such shit will never ever reach.

Actually, I do NOT blame the gent in heat.

How CAN one blame him?

If someone asked me to say similar things on national television, I may end up doing a similar act myself.

Don’t buy it?

OK. Here’s a test.

Repeat this, with a straight face, to an audience:

“Bakriyon se baaten karta tha Bhooshanlal ka behra beta!!!”

“Bhooshanlal’s deaf son conducted conversations with goats!!!”

99.99% probability -  you will lose it.

And start behaving like that gent on TV.

See?

It’s that NEWS.

It can drive ANYONE crazy.

I honestly used to think the act was scripted.

I don’t anymore.

Night after night of delivering such madness to a national audience is bound to impact the most hardened soul.

Our gent is just an ordinary newscaster doing his job.

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Disclaimer: The lines used here have not ‘actually’ been said on the NEWS – but they share a remarkably similar silliness quotient with some of the real stuff.