It has been a year since I wrote this Post.

Since then, countless rants, reasons, rationale and debates have been posted across the blogosphere.

They continue to be posted.

But today, somehow, I don’t feel like adding to any of these.

Today I feel like sharing this song with you.

You’ve heard it a million times.

Here. Listen Again.

Dear Brother Internet,

I hope this mail finds you in the pink of health.

And does not find its way into your junk folder.

Is it true that’s why you never answered my previous mails?

But first things first.

This week, you turn 40.

Congratulations.

As Virginia Slims cigarettes said to young ladies around the same year you were born:

You’ve come a long way, baby.

Wikipedia says that is also the title of Fatboy Slim’s second studio album.

In which, in a song, DJ Freddy Fresh sings ‘Fatboy Slim is f#@%ing in heaven’ – a full 108 times.

But that is not the one I was referring to.

I genuinely meant that you have come a long way, baby.

Now to come to the point.

I am older than you are.

And being someone who genuinely cares for you, it is my duty to wish you well.

And ensure that the advice of our village elders reaches you.

~~

Brother, you are at a turning point in your life.

You must be careful.

We had read somewhere a few years back that you had gotten involved with many sites of the explicit sexual type.

Chacha Ramdev had, back then, recommended you be termed an outcast.

Later, when we protested, he suggested you turn to yoga.

I know, in younger days, we tend to lose our way.

I also know you are all grown up now.

But if you HAVE to deal with these sex type sites, then remember one thing.

Always wear a condom.

We are contracting flu from swines nowadays.

Who knows what a site might transmit?

~~

Brother, you are at a turning point in your life.

You must be wary.

Three years back Munshiji received an email at the cyber cafe.

Someone from Nigeria wrote to him saying his dead uncle had left him 50 million dollars.

And to receive the same he would have to wire 5000 dollars first.

Munshiji, after treating the entire village to jalebis, sent the money.

But never heard from that person again.

That is how we came to know of your involvement with those email-fraudsters.

Munshiji demanded that your face be blackened and you be stoned to death.

But after we bribed the Panch, you were let off on grounds of lack of evidence.

Yes, I know you are not like that.

But ALWAYS do a background check of people you befriend.

Better still, ask them for their pan card.

That way you will know if they are genuine or not.

~~

Brother, you are at a turning point in your life.

You must be smart.

Men, it has been written, become wayward at forty.

It is a delicate age.

You remember Bansi?

Well, he got started on this internet messenger chatting with some Savita bhabhi.

It started with being good friends.

He would send her virtual cards.

But very soon things went out of control.

Even when his wife of 14 years walked out on him, he would not stop those sex-type chats.

Till the day he discovered that Savita bhabhi was actually a horny old man.

Bansi called you unmentionable names that day.

But I know you.

You would never know that man.

Nevertheless, in case you get the chance, never have intimate conversations with women you cannot see face to face.

NEVER.

Now with section 377 being valid in our village, Bansi’s case hardly stands a chance.

To think, he also lost the only real woman he had.

~~

Brother, you are turning forty.

You must slow down.

Today, I read on google that you are giving birth to too many social networking sites.

Have you forgotten the virtues of family planning?

Do you know what your children are up to?

Do you even remember all their names?

Remember Bholu, the village panwallah?

His teenage daughter put her picture up on one such site.

Some crook stole her face and pasted it on a porn site.

Now the only man willing to marry her is that 60 year old retired station master.

And the villagers are baying for your blood.

Again.

I know children are children.

But too many are difficult to control.

Always deal with them with a firm hand.

And if your wife wants to have more, tell her what the dispensary nurse told us:

Pehla bachha abhi nahin. Doosra bachha kabhi nahin.

(First child, not now. Second child, not ever.)

~~

PS: Do check in the junk folder in case you missed my earlier mails.

SRK gets detained for 2 hours (66 mins according to US officials) at Newark International Airport.

All hell breaks loose.

Seems his name flashed on the computer and he was grilled.

SRK is peeved.

Indians are irate – globally.

The blogworld, media, phone-lines, twitter have all helped the news travel back and forth and are continuing to do so as we speak.

Hold on. For a moment.

The issue is NOT that a film-star was detained for 66 WHOLE minutes because his name is Khan.

The issue is NOT that this comes right after our ex-president was frisked by a US airline in our own country prior to boarding a Newark bound flight.

I don’t think we are angry that the Americans had the gall to frisk/search men of fame or stature from our nation.

We are angry that WE don’t have the gall to do the same.

We come from a nation where people love to please anyone who seems to be ‘connected.”

We fawn over celebs of ANY kind.

Our stars get escorted past the security check.

We have seen celebs get picked up in separate cars once they get off an aircraft.

We have seen VIPs hold flights because they themselves are running late.

I mean – we love all this.

It’s ingrained in us.

APJ Abdul Kalam – one of the most respected Indians alive, cheerfully underwent a frisking.

Maybe that’s the way he is – humble.

Or maybe he strongly believed there is nothing wrong in being frisked prior to boarding a flight – especially if the person before him was frisked, and the person after him will be.

What is SRK peeved about?

That he, Shah Rukh Khan, was not recognized – and detained for 66 mins without being allowed to make a call?

Or that he, a Khan, was detained indiscriminately?

If it is the former, it is not worth a rethink.
From America’s security perspective, being Shah Rukh Khan does not make you any less or more privileged than any other visitor from another country – especially at the immigration desk.

If it is the latter, it is sad.
The computers in Newark could do with a little reprogramming – so they don’t simply stop anyone with a particular surname – I am sure a more detailed and deeper profiling of suspects can be done.

Imagine all the Mehtas in the world being stopped at the security check because Harshad Mehta scammed and ran.

Remember the law? It professes equality.

Every individual, be it the richest person in the world or Ram Singh Ojha from the dingiest part of India, has to stand up when the Judge walks into the court.

Why should it be any different when it comes to security?

The Mumbai attacks taught us (or have they?) that we MUST cheerfully volunteer to be checked when walking into a mall or a theatre or any other public place.

It is for our own good.

If we feel insulted, it is because of our own bloated egos.

I have heard, and I am sure so have you, of friends and colleagues going through an inordinately long security check because of the country we come from.

Nobody argued about that.

It comes with being an ordinary Indian citizen travelling abroad.

Well, SRK is an ordinary Indian citizen travelling abroad.

He pays taxes at the same rate as many others do and he too needs a license to drive.

So he will be treated the same way you or I will be.

Sure we may fancy treating celebs, big-shots and politicians with kid gloves even when it comes to national security.

Why are we expecting the US to tow the same line?

Before cursing the US, shouldn’t we do a little soul searching here at home?

Why the hell can’t we search/frisk/strip search anyone coming into our OWN country if required?

You know why we are searched like this when we go abroad?

Possibly because no one trust us with our own security – that’s why.

We are world famous for allowing our own rich, powerful & famous to bend rules at the drop of a hat.

And that goes a long way in building our own reputation as a strict nation the world over.

Shah Rukh, being who he is, could call Rajeev Shukla and get help.

Most Indians, in his place, wouldn’t know who to call beyond their dads or spouses.

So quit all this shouting.

Till such time we can’t enforce security measures on our own ‘privileged class’ and till such time we can’t enforce them on ‘privileged visitors’, we should quit wasting our breath over Shah Rukh – never mind how much we love him.

All this brouhaha over his 66 min/2hour long detention is such a waste of precious airtime, amongst other things.

That kind of time, if you ask me, is better spent telling people how to handle the Swine Flu.